HISTORY

I was living the storybook dream when I married my high school sweetheart after college and 7 years dating. We built the life people strive for... blessed with education, health, professional careers, and supportive family and friends. Neither of us came from abuse or broken homes and we had all the advantages for a successful future together. Over three decades we rode the ups and downs of life. We celebrated, raised two wonderful daughters, lived in our dream home, and enjoyed travel, athletics and activities with friends and family. We supported each other through major challenges and conflict including job loss, health setbacks, and the loss of loved ones. One significant test was my husband's traumatic brain injury (TBI) from a bicycle crash where I was on the scene. My experience as a hospital speech therapist helped me navigate the medical system and understand his erratic emotions and memory issues. However, as a wife, it was a new experience to shift from partner, to caregiver dealing with an unreasonable impulsive patient who blamed me for not letting him drive or fly across country for a triathlon the doctors said was out of the question and would kill him. I could not have imagined that one day we'd face a crisis bigger than either of us could handle.​

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THE CRISIS

As his 50th birthday and our 25th anniversary approached, everything changed and what should have been a time to celebrate became my family's worst nightmare. My husband’s midlife crisis seemed to trigger suddenly, like a switch flipped. In hindsight, it had been brewing before I was aware. The series of personal losses — his father dying tragically at 63, our oldest leaving for college, my illness & stress — had mounted his grief, mixed with a fear of aging and a yearning to escape his pain and feel alive. He blamed me for not paying him enough attention and filled his craving for connection with the adrenaline high of distance running and attention from new friends and younger women. He lost 30 pounds in three months, started dressing younger, and bought a sports car "as a surprise". His blame of me brought fights and secrecy which chipped away at trust. As his addiction to the thrill of lies and cheating progressed, he fed off my frustration and jealousy to boost his ego.​

 

I walked on eggshells, puzzling for answers, trying to reason with him and attempting online relationship programs and marriage therapy hoping he'd want to change. My search for solutions led me to learn everything possible about midlife crisis and how-to-save-your-marriage theories. I immersed myself in personal work, letting go of my expectations of him, and focused on gratitude believing all my effort to build my attraction and keep the peace would turn things around.

- But I was soooo wrong!

Once a midlife crisis is unleashed, it refuses to go back in the bottle and the harder I tried to be kind, avoid pushing, not blame him and show empathy and patience, the worse he continued to get. He transformed from the kind, helpful, honest-to-a fault man I'd known for over 30 years, into someone who delighted in my pain and followed every impulse to lie, cheat, steal, run away, hide... and then stalk, harass and threaten me in desperation for control. Each bomb he dropped sent crippling shockwaves through me as I grasped to understand what I was doing wrong. Anxiety, doubt and fear clouded my judgment and stole my sense of security in my own home. But I was determined to understand and overcome the crisis by using it to learn - grow - share.

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​JOURNEY TO HEALING

Through years of searching for answers and connecting with other betrayed spouses, I was shocked at the lack of resources that exist. Most information focuses on understanding the person going through the midlife crisis, explaining their behaviors, stages, and the warning signs.

But what about us... the spouses left behind to deal with the fall out and pick up the pieces?

Our world is turned upside down, and the losses and stress we face are overwhelming. Critical life decisions about our future... children, custody, finances, home, divorce, and even future relationships are all at risk. We've been left to deal with EVERYTHING alone, while our MLCer runs off to chase a fantasy... free of responsibility or consequences. It’s worse than being widowed, because they refuse to leave us in peace to grieve our losses so we can simply heal with time and support and they repeatedly return to bully and taunt us, provoking more pain to justify their shame. And our shame is amplified as our failing effort to save our marriage is called into question. People want to normalize the situation as an "it takes 2" trope to inoculate themselves from the reality it could happen to them too. Others believe the lies they spread about us and let's not even talk about the pain shopping that happens online.

We desperately want the help we need but it's not clear how to find it.

 

​We look for help from family and friends who grow weary of our rumination and want us to move on. We try counseling but are left feeling doubted and dismissed, because midlife crisis is not a diagnosis. Self-help programs tell us to avoid push behaviors, improve ourselves, rise above and forgive them... placing all the burden to fix things on our shoulders again. And not only is there no justice in the justice system, but MLCers weaponize unethical lawyers and spend away the financial security you once had. Yet, despite heroic effort, 99% of us will not achieve the coveted reconciliation goal and a majority struggle for years stuck in unnecessary confusion, frustration and resentment. The lack of answers that actually help, leave us feeling desperate and hopeless. But there’s a simpler answer.​

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FINDING PURPOSE

As Dr. Brene Brown says "grief demands a witness". We cannot do this alone! Surviving spouses of MLC betrayal trauma need understanding and answers... we need knowledgable and skilled support to clear the emotional confusion so we can find our direction, renew our purpose and speed the path to recovery. I finally found purpose in the place I last suspected... my husband’s midlife crisis. His crisis became my teacher, showing me "what-NOT-to-do" to live a full and vibrant life. The lessons from my experience and hundreds of other hero spouses have guided me to true healing and self-discovery. I would never wish midlife crisis torture on anyone, but I am grateful for the love I now have for myself and others and for the confidence and wisdom I now realize was in me all along. I now want to share what know to help other spouses accelerate their way out of misery and find their love & happiness too.